Sunday, April 6, 2008

Goodbye my Dear Friend

I can't claim that this will be the hardest thing I have to give up. I know it's not true. I don't want to pretend to be a monk, who truly sacrifices.

But most monks probably haven't had a slurpee. I bet if they had, they'd throw off their brown itchy robes, go buy a pair of shorts and a billabong t-shirt and drink slurpees on the beach all day. That's what I call enlightenment. And if for some reason they feel they've sinned....well....then they can go give themselves a brain freeze as penance.

Speaking of brain freeze, the next time you want to show off to your friends what a extreme dick you are, feel free to inform that the technical term for it is "Sphenopalatine Ganglioneuralgia". Don't quote me though. I don't want to be associated with your pompus ass.

So, from April 5th until May 5th, I will be giving up Slurpee. That not only includes 7-11 slurpees, but all pretenders and imitations. To avoid any big controvery, I will include Sno-Cones on this list as well as Freezies. If this was August, you can bet your ass I wouldn't be taking this risk. Though I don't want to give the impression that I won't be suffering. This will be hard. Slurpees are my frozen version of Crack. Except I they make me fatter instead of skinny like Crack might actually do. Also, I don't walk around downtown, looking shifty eyed and nervous, wondering where the nearest Greyhound station is. Other then that though, the similarities are astounding (Slurpee could be made with Drano for all I care).

So, Join me for the Month of April as I give up my one true love. And mock my pain, you damn sadists.


jetstocanada said...

Next item to give up? Granny panties! Or perhaps mustard with spice?

Shannon Lambert said...

Granny Panties? I'm insulted that you think I where those things. Blah!

Also, I'd be sad about the mustard thing. My fave one is wasabi mustard, yum yum.