Focus

I'm tired. That's all I am now when people ask "how are you?". My answer is the same and I'm saddened by this.

It dawned on m yesterday that if you're tired all the time, there's a better term for it. Exhausted. Exhaustion. That's what is wrong with me.

I'm too tired to care about myself. I've completely neglected myself and my health for the last 5 months and it's taken a toll on my body. I went to the doctor's today to address this. It's not as if I wasn't plus size before starting school but now I'm gaining more weight at an incredible speed.

So I made the decision today to Withdrawal from this semester and take some time off to focus on my health. I'm only 24 years old and I feel 40. I've been laying in bed thinking about it before I fall asleep. I've been trying to figure out where exercise would fit in between school and work. Where I could find a extra hour in the day. 10 hours at work, 4 hours at school. That leaves 10 hours left in the day for homework and sleep. I couldn't find it...so I'm taking some time off.

I need to make a life style change and it's hard when your life style is trying to get through the day without falling asleep.

I'm not some Fast Food eating chick. I know it's easy to look at someone fat and say "eat better food and work out." I will admit that I don't work out. I take the elevator and not the stairs. I take the train when I could walk 20 minutes. But I don't live off fried foods and processed foods. My problem is I love goooood food. I love to indulge. I love the good and the bad things.

I think my biggest guilty pleasure, other then slurpees, is potatoes. I should just banish them from my house but I like them so much.

I know how to eat healthy. Complex Carbs instead of simple sugars. Yams instead of potatoes. Brown rice instead of white. Wheat flour instead of white flour. Salad instead of pasta. Chicken instead of steak.

I think what I'm lacking is structure. I'm lacking a plan. Someone to tell me "This is what you eat, this is what you don't eat. This is how much." And I need someone to hold me accountable. If anyone in my life tried, I'd tell them where to go. That rebellious "I'll do whatever pleases me" hedonistic attitude can be very self destructive. But I find when I have certain boundaries with people and respect for what they do, I'm more likely to listen to them, without wanting to deny them.

Let's see how this goes!