Focus

I'm tired. That's all I am now when people ask "how are you?". My answer is the same and I'm saddened by this.

It dawned on m yesterday that if you're tired all the time, there's a better term for it. Exhausted. Exhaustion. That's what is wrong with me.

I'm too tired to care about myself. I've completely neglected myself and my health for the last 5 months and it's taken a toll on my body. I went to the doctor's today to address this. It's not as if I wasn't plus size before starting school but now I'm gaining more weight at an incredible speed.

So I made the decision today to Withdrawal from this semester and take some time off to focus on my health. I'm only 24 years old and I feel 40. I've been laying in bed thinking about it before I fall asleep. I've been trying to figure out where exercise would fit in between school and work. Where I could find a extra hour in the day. 10 hours at work, 4 hours at school. That leaves 10 hours left in the day for homework and sleep. I couldn't find it...so I'm taking some time off.

I need to make a life style change and it's hard when your life style is trying to get through the day without falling asleep.

I'm not some Fast Food eating chick. I know it's easy to look at someone fat and say "eat better food and work out." I will admit that I don't work out. I take the elevator and not the stairs. I take the train when I could walk 20 minutes. But I don't live off fried foods and processed foods. My problem is I love goooood food. I love to indulge. I love the good and the bad things.

I think my biggest guilty pleasure, other then slurpees, is potatoes. I should just banish them from my house but I like them so much.

I know how to eat healthy. Complex Carbs instead of simple sugars. Yams instead of potatoes. Brown rice instead of white. Wheat flour instead of white flour. Salad instead of pasta. Chicken instead of steak.

I think what I'm lacking is structure. I'm lacking a plan. Someone to tell me "This is what you eat, this is what you don't eat. This is how much." And I need someone to hold me accountable. If anyone in my life tried, I'd tell them where to go. That rebellious "I'll do whatever pleases me" hedonistic attitude can be very self destructive. But I find when I have certain boundaries with people and respect for what they do, I'm more likely to listen to them, without wanting to deny them.

Let's see how this goes!

Dear Fashion World

I think you mean well. And, you know, I appreciate the thought.

But I gotta say, even the best of you have a hard time understanding the plus size body. I'd be happy to help, to work with you.

Let me say this: Not all us plus size chicks want to hide our bodies. Loose sweaters (however "in" the colour or knit is), plain t-shirts, and big coats with no darting or seams are not complimentary. They are shapeless and un-inspired.

Meanwhile I admire and pine after the items I know could be made for me, but aren't. The two following coats would be great in plus size. Perhaps you think we don't want attention, so the red plaid is too much. Or the frills add bulk. But I think of those details like crown molding, wainscoting and other architectural details that take coat from ordinary to amazing.


I then go to my stores and find this:

A bevy of boring, bland peacoats for us plus size beauties to cloak ourselves in. A mediocre effort for structure and lacking any details that make them special. No, these coats will only hide you, not highlight you.

Why, when I shop, do I see bright beautiful prints, bold colours and complicated construction only to discover that none of it is in my size? Is it just a cash issue? I'm willing to pay more for some structure. I'm willing to put some cash down for a pattern that is not 2 seasons out of date. I'm willing to pay for nice fabrics. I appreciate the stretch, honestly. But how about something more then spandex/cotton blends. I'd love a little silk in my wardrobe.

Sometimes I think you forget that we can be sexy. Maybe not the norm or the most popular version of sexy. But we deserve layers of silk, sheer and satin. Some may be modest, but not all.

This little rant stems from some shopping I did today. I live in the city with the world's biggest mall, literally hundreds of stores and yet, I can only find clothes in 6-7 of them. And by find, I mean hunt, gather and scrape together a few decent items each season. A few items which I am genuinely excited about. A few beautiful pieces among a barren wasteland of ill fitting, baggy, frumpy, plain and, dare I say it, old lady-ish clothing.

It's not your fault I'm fat. It's mine. But damned if I should be punished for it with outfits that only hide my body instead of compliment it. I refuse to give up. I refuse to wear sweatpants. Or consign myself to shapelessness.

Maybe it's suppose to be hard.

Shannon

Special thanks to Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren for at least trying. And to Torrid for giving me a resource to shop, beyond the mall.